"Friendly Fire"

Photo by Igovar Igovar

Dredging Up the Past

Have you ever dealt with something and just wanted to forget it even happened?

During one of my sessions with my therapist, which has been helping me deal with my panic attacks associated with me being assaulted, she threw out this statement:  "I think you're also dealing with PTSD associated with how The Salvation Army treated you, too."

Red warning lights went up. My brain immediately said, "Don't go there!"

And I knew it was true.

I experienced "Friendly Fire" from the only Army that boasts to have no weapons.

The Warnings

Before I became an officer (a pastor) in The Salvation Army, I had two people pull me aside and warn me against it. One had been a missionary to Germany, like I had been, and told me that the field in Germany was extremely difficult and was filled with a lot of heartache and loneliness.  The other was my mother, who, herself, was (and is) an officer. She warned me that I didn't realize how hard and difficult it would be for me.

This was right before I entered our seminary, which is called the College for Officer Training.

I wish I had listened to them then.

What was the Abuse?

Lack of Personal Time

It was little things that sometimes developed into bigger things. As an officer, my time was not my own. When I lived in Germany, it could often be counted on that I had at least one day off per week. Usually this was Monday. When I came back to the United States, this was harder to figure out. I would try to take Saturdays off, but invariably Salvation Army events would be planned for that Saturday where I was required to attend.

With no days off, I got burned out quickly. My work day was rarely 40 hours per week. It often was more like 60 hours, if not more.

No Legal Standing of Employment

As an officer, I was compensated with an allowance, but I had to sign a legal document stating that there was no employment relationship between The Salvation Army and me. Rather it was a "spiritual" relationship. Looking back on this, I realize now how terrible of a situation this was and the fallout from my termination as an officer left me with no legal recourse, even if I wanted to pursue one (which I didn't).

When I was terminated, my pension, home (which was a parsonage), transportation, etc., were all taken away.

One might say that I voluntarily signed up for this. Yes, this is true, but it still led to a very abusive relationship with The Salvation Army.

No Freedom of Thought

My divisional commander (which is akin to a bishop) would monitor my social media posts. There was one point where I voluntarily agreed not to post anything that would seem to negatively speak out against The Salvation Army. I abandoned the group I had formed for Progressive Salvationists and curtailed my social media to just photos of my family and talking about my jogging. My divisional commander even monitored what articles I read and what I "liked." In my termination papers, he stated that he didn't think I had really changed because of what I was liking on social media. (They wanted to see whether or not I was still progressive.)

My personnel secretary (akin to an HR director) called me a heretic for stating that the Bible is rarely clear on matters of sexuality.

No One Holds Them Accountable

When I was going through a divorce, which triggered my termination as an officer, my defense had to be submitted to a nebulous Officer Review Board, which I was not allowed to meet in person because they were made up of my peers. Any appeal I made had to be submitted to our International Headquarters in London, which is not an easy task to accomplish.

I gave up.

It's Not All Black and White

To characterize The Salvation Army as totally evil would be a misrepresentation of the facts. They are not completely evil. They do a lot of good work, which I was a part of and which I will always cherish as some of the best things I ever did. They formed the spiritual foundation of my life and gave me a love of music that I hold dear to this day.

But . . .

When I became different to them, when I was outed as a bisexual person, I was tossed to the side.

As a soldier (layperson) of The Salvation Army, I found no welcome in my local congregation. I had to fight to become a member.

At that point, I knew that if I had to fight to become a member, then I really don't belong any more.

Little Things Trigger Me

I just realized at how upset I get when I am confronted with anything Salvation Army related in my day-t0-day life. I saw a notice that the Chicago Staff Band would be doing a concert near me. There are many progressive Salvationists in that band, even an openly gay member, but I don't know if I could feel at ease at all watching them perform.

A report about The Salvation Army in Lexington, Kentucky, whose congregation I attended as a college student, recently gave a horrible anti-LGBTQ sermon. I saw that and was furious.

I will drive by a thrift store and see that red shield, and I'm reminded again of what was done to me.

What happens now?

I will continue my therapy. I will seek help through this as I work through the trauma I underwent. I doubt The Salvation Army will ever apologize to me. As a top-down hierarchy, it is very difficult to enact any change, unless it comes from the top. The current general recently said some unsavory things towards the LGBTQ+ community. Several letters of complaint were sent to him, as well as a petition, but there has been no response from the International Headquarters.

I'd love to forget everything that happened to me. That would be such a gift.

Forgiving is even a harder thing to do, especially when the other side believes they did no wrong.

I will keep on living, taking one breath at a time.

Maybe that's all I can do.

The Assault Revisited

Write About Scars, Not Open Wounds.

Photo by Nick Swaelen

This was the advice I have often heard when dealing with blogs/podcasts/vlogs, etc. Don't write about something you are currently dealing with.

But what if it's a traumatic event? What if that wound never heals?

It's been seven years since I was assaulted and five years since I wrote about it. Traumatic memories are not like normal memories. They are stored in a different part of the brain. As such, they come unbidden and fresh.

About a year ago I was talking about the assault that happened to me. All of the sudden I was transported in my mind back to that moment. I suddenly felt the arms of my assailant around my neck. My breath was restricted. I felt my neck muscles bulge as I tried to get his arms off of me. I heard him scream about how he was going to beat the homosexuality out of me.

Back to the present:  I locked up. My breathing became rapid. I was almost hyperventilating.

I was having a panic attack. It was my first ever. I shook it off, realizing what it was and actually curious that it happened to me. Then I realized that it was to be expected and not my fault.

Happening Once More . . . 

I have become more open about discussing my past and my sexuality. It has been freeing, but at the same time, jarring. When I tell people that someone strangled me because of my sexual orientation, I often notice a look of shock on people. They cannot believe it happened to me and then they ask me if I am ok. Normally in the moment I am ok.

Recently however I have been having more and more of these panic attacks. They come unbidden, mostly at night, and when my mind is tired. I realize that my brain has been repressing those thoughts and memories from that night. 

I used to be reluctant to seek out mental help. When I returned back from Germany to the United States, I ended up in a deep depression that affected my work and my marriage, ultimately leading to a divorce. I sought help, but at the moment that I sought help, I felt that I was an ultimate failure.

Now I realize that seeking help is a sign of strength.

So once again I have sought out the help of a therapist. She has been absolutely wonderful with me and I am on a new journey of healing.

But because I am bisexual . . .

Most of the recent terrible things that have happened to me have been because of my orientation. So many people, above all Evangelical Christians, treat me with contempt because I am bisexual. Sometimes an Evangelical Christian I have never talked to before will block me on social media. More often friends and family members have taken the time to like pictures of my sons and me on social media, but when there are pictures of my boyfriend and me, those likes are conspicuously absent. Then there was that Evangelical Christian who physically assaulted me. It has come to the point where I feel as if I am done with the animosity.

Sometimes the worst animosity comes from people who want to be nice, but throw out the phrase, "Hate the sin, but love the sinner." I was recently talking to an acquaintance who asked me what I thought of people who are trying to respect me as a person, but just disagreed with my "lifestyle."

What is it about my lifestyle that they actually disagree with? Is it how I go to work? Is it the food I eat? Is it the shows I watch or the games I play?

To be blunt:  It's not my "lifestyle" they object to. It's who I have sex with that they have the most objections. Even celibate people in the LGBTQ+ community experience this discrimination because of their sexual orientation.

I am disgusted and fed up with the bigotry towards the LGBTQ+ community.

The man who assaulted me was drunk and a white Evangelical Christian. Many people will sometimes use the excuse of "he wasn't a real Christian if he did that."

To be polite:  That's bovine scatology. It certainly wasn't Christ-like what he did, but he was/is a Christian.

Many Christians I know aren't very Christ-like. Many non-Christians I know are more Christ-like than myself.

Where does this leave me?

Right now I am continuing my therapy. Probably one of my biggest helps is my boyfriend. When the panic attacks happen, he is there to help me breathe through them.

I still go to church. I worship with them. I feel at home there. They have recently asked me to lead a small group for LGBTQ+ people. I nearly cried when they asked me to do this.

Do you know what's worse than being an LGBTQ+ person who left the Church? Being an LGBTQ+ person who stays in a church that rejects them. (Let me be clear:  This is definitely NOT my current church. They are wonderful.) I have more arguments with people who question my identity as a Christian because I am bisexual. It would be a lot easier to walk away from Christ altogether, but that is not the pathway Christ has shown me to follow.

There is a song I dearly loved when I was in the Salvation Army. It was written by the late General John Gowans. I actually had the privilege of singing this song in front of him when he was a special guest in Hannover, Germany for the German Salvation Army's congress there. One of the verses, which always brings me to tears, from his song, "I'll Not Turn Back" goes like this:

If tears should fall,

If I am called to suffer,

If all I love men should deface, defame,

I'll not deny the one that I have followed

Nor be ashamed to bear my Master's Name.

This is who I am:  a Bisexual Christian. I do not deny this. I follow God because of this.

Day of German Unity

Photo by Ingo Joseph from Pixels

 Tag der deutschen Einheit

Today is the Day of German Unity. It's the national holiday of Germany. It celebrates the reunification of East and West Germany after being separated for several years during the Cold War.

In 1997 I served with the Missionsteam Hamburg with The Salvation Army. They were made up of mostly young Germans doing their mandated civil service (if they were men) or doing a gap year. I knew that holiday was approaching. So I asked a friend of mine how Germans celebrated this day. He looked at me puzzled for a few seconds. Then he said, "All Germans stand naked at their front doors, wrapped in a German Flag, with a beer in the hand and singing the national anthem."

I knew he was joking. Germans don't really celebrate on this day. There might be some official event in Berlin, but other than having the day off, they don't celebrate it at all. Germans have an understandably difficult time with patriotism. I remember when the World Cup was in Germany in 2006, commentators actually discussed whether or not it would be appropriate for Germans to finally be proud to be German.

Returning to the US

When I returned to the United States, I came at a very interesting time. I left before the attacks on the 11th of September. When I returned, I came back to a place filled with American flags. In Germany, one would only see German flags at Federal or State buildings or at soccer matches involving the German team. Seeing American flags at gas stations and restaurants seemed absurd and over the top. It reminded me of the Nazi propaganda from the 1930's and 40's. I even saw tattered plastic fags, fluttering from car windows.

Then I remembered that just like Germany, America was guilty of genocide:  the Native Americans here. Just like Germany, America had concentration camps for Japanese-Americans. Just like Germany, Americans conquered countries not their own. Even worse, America set up puppet regimes around the world when governments appeared to be "too communist," settling for dictators (Guatemala, Iran, Grenada, Vietnam, etc).

I became uncomfortable with the nationalistic jingoism that came from all politicians. 

Even worse . . . 

Americans have incorporated worship of America with worship of God. They worship their country during their church services, including their patriotic songs in their hymnals.

This was one terrible thing I could never ever sing in Church. I still remember as a teenager having the song, "I'm Proud to be an American" during church services around the Fourth of July.

Renunciation

So much to the chagrin of most of my family members, I refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance. When I was married, my vows meant more to me than my country, but I never said my vows every day. I don't like singing the national Anthem, especially when one of the verses glorifies repressing slaves.

I love the beauty of my country. I do not despise the people in it. I will not leave it because of the terrible politics here and the syncretism that exists with the Christian Nationalism. I will struggle to make it a better place to live, putting my faith in God, but not this country.