How to be an Ally

Before I Was Forced Out

I would love to say that I came out of my own free will, but I didn't. I was outed by a family member in a way that ruined my life, which is perhaps a story best saved for later.

Before that, though, I remember seeing the meme posted above. I felt I could definitely support this meme, even though it wasn't true for me. (It wasn't true because I am bisexual, and, by definition alone, would not qualify to be any ally.)

And then I was outed and my world came crashing down. It's a surreal feeling when that happens. You find out just exactly who is your friend.

Since Coming Out . . .

I have learned a lot about myself:  who I am, how I relate to people, and who will stand up for me.

There was the friend who offered his church to me as my home church, even though I was hundreds of miles away and could rarely attend there, if at all. There was my pastor, who didn't blink twice, when I told him that I'm bisexual and welcomed me into his church, baptizing me into a new walk of faith and offering me a spiritual home again. There was my gay friend, who listened to me as I bumbled through the new life of the LGBT world, trying to figure out where I fit into this world.

I still held out hope for my old denomination, The Salvation Army. Holding out hope that those progressive elements would still bring light into my old church. They would show the people of The Salvation Army that they were now marginalizing the very same people they had been called to serve. We even did a petition to our International Headquarters. Certainly they would listen.

They did not. There has been nothing but silence from the International Headquarters.

The Challenge

So I decided to issue a challenge to my fellow progressives. Surely they would rally behind and be more about action. We have talked enough. We have talked for over 6 years now about how we want change. It has yet to come.

To rephrase what I said (without the explanatory parlance of Salvation Army jingo):

I'm tired of allies being complacent about the state of affairs. Do you want to be an ally? Then stand up for us.

Pastors:  Conduct weddings for same-sex couples in your sanctuaries.

Lay people:  Attend a wedding of an LGBT couple.

Write your own pastor, superior, bishop, etc. about your views.

Give your testimony about how one can be gay and a Christian AT THE SAME TIME!

Do everything you can to show that this regulation preventing inclusion is wrong. More than that:  It is sinful. Stand up for us so that you will either be defrocked or shunned from the Church.

Anything else is just lukewarm.

Surely they would be willing to do that. Surely they have seen how we in the LGBT community have been shunned for so long. We have talked forever. Now is the time for action, not complacency.

The Reaction

It was not what I expected. Some questioned the legality of even performing a wedding for a same-sex couple. Apparently, even in countries where same-sex weddings are legal, if you perform the wedding in a denomination that forbids same-sex marriage, you could face a fine or imprisonment.

Pastors would at least lose their positions. For a Salvation Army officer, this means loss of pension, job, house, vehicle, etc. I am certain this is the same in other Evangelical churches.

Comments were turned off in the post with no further explanation, other than it was too heated of a discussion.

I felt utterly defeated. The people who said they would be my allies, when put to the test, stated they weren't willing to risk it at all.

It reminded me of the story in John 6:51-61, where people wanted to follow Jesus, but he told them that in order to do so, they must east his flesh and drink his blood. Jesus was speaking metaphorically, but it spooked his listeners, who didn't realize the sacrifice it would mean to follow Jesus.

You're a Fan, Not an Ally

What I discovered was this:  Straight people tend not to be allies of the LGBT community. They tend to mostly be fans. They support us, encourage us, but when it actually comes to taking a stand for us, they aren't willing to make the sacrifice. They aren't willing to lose their job, their reputation, or their place in the Church.

It is the irony of ironies that it seems as if the Progressive Church prefers the state of affairs it is in. Why does a gambler risk his/her money? It's not to win, it's because losing is so enjoyable. If he/she wins, that's an added bonus. The thrill of gambling comes in losing. Why does a battered wife stay with her abusive husband? It's because she doesn't know any different and the unknown is worse than what is known.

So it is with the Progressive Church. We clamor for change and justice, but we rarely take action to see it through. We prefer what we do know to what is unknown. We prefer to know where we are in this world and where we fit in the scheme of things. It is not universally this way and there are some wonderful noted exceptions, but the vast majority of so-called allies will not risk the change needed to bring justice.

If you want to call yourself an ally:  Be an ally. Support us. Defend us. Risk your livelihood. Being an ally means enjoying the accomplishments we have won, but it also means suffering what we suffer. Don't call yourself an ally if you don't actually mean it.

Be prepared to face what we have faced and are facing:  Ridicule and scorn.

Be prepared, also, to stand up for what is right:  Justice.

Take action. As the author said in his letter to the Corinthians:  "Look, now is the right time! Look, now is the day of salvation!" (2 Corinthians 6:2 CEB)