Grief

In 2015 I was assaulted. I discussed it in a previous blog post. My assailant wanted to "beat the homosexuality" out of me.  About 4 months ago I started to go through EMDR therapy because I am going through PTSD from the assault.

EMDR therapy is surprising and jarring at the same time. The science behind it is still ongoing, but I have been forced to confront issues that I had never thought I would need to confront. One issue that has been apparent is that I am still grieving. It's not just the assault that happened. It's everything that followed. I went through a divorce. I lost my ordination as a Salvation Army officer.

When I tried to be a lay member at my local Salvation Army congregation, I was thwarted by my divisional commander (like a bishop), with support from the local officers (pastors).

Since then, it has been a mixture of nostalgia, grief, and outright terror for what I experienced from The Salvation Army.

Nostalgia

The nostalgia comes from mostly the good things I experienced while in The Salvation Army. I enjoyed the overseas ministry I had:  from serving in refugee camps in Albania and Kosova to running congregations in Germany. I was profoundly blessed and forever changed by my time there. I consider, however, that being over there changed me more than any tangible good I could do there.

I have nostalgia for the music, too. We had some wonderful brass bands, which is a very British institution. This is why I always played a cornet and never a trumpet. I also tended to eschew anything woodwind.

I also have wonderful friends who, to this day, have been my friends and allies, supporting me even financially when things have been really bad for me.

Grief

Then there is the obvious grief. I mourn what might have been. I see fellow friends who are still officers in The Salvation Army, in positions I thought I might have liked to have had, doing ministry I had wanted to do, knowing that this is forever taken away from me. This is always accompanied with resentment and bitterness, both of which I do not like, but which I constantly struggle with now.

I mourn what could have been, what should have been, and what will never be.

At the same time, I realize just how toxic of an environment that was for me. I am now grateful to be out of The Salvation Army.

Condemnation

I have family members and friends who regularly condemn me for talking bad about my experiences in The Salvation Army. They accuse (maybe rightly?) that I do not represent The Salvation Army in the right light. For instance:  I often neglect to say that in the debacle of not being accepted as a soldier in the local Salvation Army corps (congregation), that I was eventually accepted as a soldier (lay member).

This is true. I had to have a face to face meeting with the divisional commander (like a bishop). He told me he didn't want Branson to become a controversy for same-sex marriage because of a blog post I had written. (Originally he had said because he didn't believe I was true to my covenant as a member of The Salvation Army.) By that time I had been regularly attending my new church in Springfield. I had refused to attend the Salvation Army church in Branson while my membership was in question.

So I tried going back to The Salvation Army. I felt extremely uncomfortable there. Several of the members of that church had already unfriended me or blocked me on social media, including the pastors. There was no attempt on healing or restoration. I will admit that the pastors eventually unblocked me on social media. I was grateful for that.

However, the damage had been done.

Neither here nor there . . .

So here I am, grieving.

Grief is hard and painful. It is also a part of being human.

What is hard about it for me?

Every time I drive by a Salvation Army thrift store and see that blazing Red Shield, I inwardly cringe. When friends and co-workers tell me that they are going to support The Salvation Army this Christmas, I die a little inside. I avoid eye contact with that smiling bellringer in front of grocery stores and I definitely refuse to donate to them.

During the Holiday Season of 2022, I received a letter from The Salvation

Army, asking for donations from me to support their work. Since I know how this mail appeal works, I realize that this was done by a third party, hired by The Salvation Army, to solicit donations from people all over the United States. The local officers (pastors) of The Salvation Army (probably?) had no idea that this was sent to me.

At the same time, I felt they were saying:  "Hey, we kicked you out and ruined your life. Could you give us some money?" Nothing like rubbing salt into an already fecund wound.

People will say to me:  "Don't you want to help other people? The Salvation Army does good work!"

Yes, they do. Absolutely they do. I have been a part of it. I have been there when we fed refugees who had just fled a war zone in Kosova. I have been there, providing meals to the residents of Meißen, Germany, when their town was flooded out. I was there, giving meals to law enforcement officers as they searched for the body of a baby girl, who had most likely been killed by her father.

Those were good things. They really were.

At the same time, because of my sexuality, I was told I could never serve in ministry again in The Salvation Army. I was called a heretic for saying the Bible is rarely clear about anything, let alone sexuality. I lost my home, my pension, and my livelihood because of who I am.

The Salvation Army is not all bad, but The Salvation Army is toxic for me.

Unavoidable

I cannot escape being around The Salvation Army either. Many of my friends are still members of The Salvation Army AND are progressive in their theology. They hope for a better future for The Salvation Army. I do, too, but it will not include me in that future.

I am currently in a wonderful relationship with another man. Because of this, I cannot be a member of The Salvation Army, even if I wanted to. If we were to get married, it could not be done in a Salvation Army facility. When I had been married previously, my father (who is a retired Salvation Army officer) officiated the ceremony. He would not be allowed to officiate again if it were my boyfriend and I getting married.

The Salvation Army is a homophobic institution, despite their protests to the contrary.

As much as I would like to, I cannot escape The Salvation Army without doing something extremely radical.

I will never shop in a Salvation Army thrift store again. I will never put money in the kettles during Christmas. I certainly won't ever donate to them again. They have hurt me so much.

So if I wince when we talk and you say you just got this great outfit from a Salvation Army thrift store, that's why. If you ask for donations for The Salvation Army instead of giving you a present on your birthday, I will ignore it.

Allow me to grieve. My grieving is on my timeline. To ask me to get over it negates the trauma that I went through.

Joe Biden and Isaiah 6

Caveat

I am not in any way, shape, or form an expert on politics, let alone the state of affairs in Afghanistan. As such, I won't pronounce judgment on whether or not the United States military should have left Afghanistan in the manner that they did. I thought the entire war was evil. I believe war is an evil. I believe there is always a better solution to killing people. The cost of innocent lives, not only on civilians, but on the veterans and soldiers, outweighs the negligible gain found in war.

The Background

On Thursday, 26 August 2021, a suicide bomber killed at least 13 American soldiers and over 60 Afghanis. People started blaming and defending the Biden Administration over what happened. I tried to take a more measured approach and listened to the speech President Biden gave to the American people.

Being a former pastor, the following line that President Biden said jumped out at me and made me pause:

"Those who have served through the ages have drawn inspiration from the Book of Isaiah. When the Lord says, 'Whom shall I send? Who shall go for us?' The American military has been answering for a long time:  'Here I am. Send me.' Each one of these women and men of our armed roles are the heirs of that tradition and sacrifice, and of volunteering to go in a harms way to risk everything, not for glory, not for profit, but to defend what we love and the people we love."

President Biden quoted a very famous Scripture passage, describing the great call of the prophet Isaiah to give a special message to the people of Judah. I love this Scripture passage. It is one of my favorites. When I studied Hebrew, this is one that I would repeat over and over again. The majesty and splendor of this passage is awe-inspiring for me.

This is that passage of Scripture, taken from Isaiah, chapter 6 (Common English Bible):

In the year of King Uzziah’s death, I saw the Lord sitting on a high and exalted throne, the edges of his robe filling the temple. Winged creatures were stationed around him. Each had six wings: with two they veiled their faces, with two their feet, and with two they flew about. They shouted to each other, saying:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of heavenly forces!
All the earth is filled with God’s glory!”

The doorframe shook at the sound of their shouting, and the house was filled with smoke.

I said, “Mourn for me; I’m ruined! I’m a man with unclean lips, and I live among a people with unclean lips. Yet I’ve seen the king, the Lord of heavenly forces!”

Then one of the winged creatures flew to me, holding a glowing coal that he had taken from the altar with tongs. He touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips. Your guilt has departed, and your sin is removed.”

Then I heard the Lord’s voice saying, “Whom should I send, and who will go for us?”

I said, “I’m here; send me.”

God said, “Go and say to this people:

Listen intently, but don’t understand;
    look carefully, but don’t comprehend.
Make the minds of this people dull.
    Make their ears deaf and their eyes blind,
    so they can’t see with their eyes
    or hear with their ears,
    or understand with their minds,
    and turn, and be healed.”

I said, “How long, Lord?”

And God said, “Until cities lie ruined with no one living in them, until there are houses without people and the land is left devastated.” The Lord will send the people far away, and the land will be completely abandoned. Even if one-tenth remain there, they will be burned again, like a terebinth or an oak, which when it is cut down leaves a stump. Its stump is a holy seed.

My Reaction

I was disgusted by this misappropriation of Holy Scripture. Politicians tend to do this all the time, but I'll get to that a little bit later. It is not the first time, nor is it the last time, that a politician uses religion to influence his or her audience.

A bit of context for the scripture passage:

Uzziah was, for the most part, a righteous king, but near the end of his reign, he was struck with leprosy (or some other infectious skin ailment). The Bible remarks that this was due to the fact that Uzziah attempted to burn incense in the Temple, a task reserved only for priests and Levites (2 Chronicles 26:18). He never recovered from this disease and the year of his death was also the time that Isaiah received this great vision.

Isaiah sees this great image of God and these fiery winged creatures, called seraphim in Hebrew, were flying around, announcing the greatness of God, stating that the whole cosmos was filled with the glory of God. The Hebrew term for this glory implies something tangible and weighty that could be felt.

Isaiah, struck with terror and awe at this mighty vision feels unworthy to be in this presence. One of the seraphim symbolically cleanses Isaiah with one of the burning hot coals from the altar. I always tend to laugh at this part when this fiery creature said: "See, this has touch your lips." Duh. A burning hot coal touched Isaiah's lips. I think he might have noticed that.

And then God asks for a volunteer:

"Whom shall I send and who will go for us?" [I always got a kick that the Hebrew says "us" and not "me." This implies that God was speaking for all the heavenly beings, too. It does not imply (as many Christians might maintain) that God was speaking as a Trinity.]

Isaiah volunteers. "Here am I! Send me!"

THE END

Um.

Maybe not.

I have been to numerous youth events. Growing up in The Salvation Army, we had these youth weekend, called "Youth Councils." Invariably this scripture passage was used to inspire us to become ordained pastors/officers in The Salvation Army. Dozens of officers were waiting at the front of the stage where young people prayed and signed their life away, pledging to become officers in The Salvation Army. I did it one time, too. I remember crying as I prayed to God, wanting to dedicate my life in God's service. An officer was right at my side, getting my name, address, and phone number to contact me at a later date and make sure I was serious about becoming an officer.

Nobody kept on reading the Scripture passage.

Basically, God told Isaiah:  "Go and bring my message to the people . . . BUT, they will not listen to you. It will be futile. They will act like you're not even there.

Biden's Misappropriation of Scripture

So here we are. President Biden has the unenviable task of informing the American public that not only has the Taliban taken over Afghanistan after the United States' futile 20-year war, but another terrorist group, called ISIS-K, has killed innocent people along with American soldiers.

To make it palatable, the President invoked the Scripture passage from Isaiah, saying by comparison that the military sacrificed their lives, being called by God for this higher purpose.

There is a term for this.

Bovine Scatology.

In theological terms, this is called eisegesis, reading into Scripture your own personal meaning to justify your views.

I find it ironic, then, that Biden unintentionally brought a greater truth to this tragedy:  the whole war in Afghanistan was futile and useless. Americans killed more civilians and soldiers (241,000) than were killed in the attacks on September 11, 2001, which prompted this war.

What is the result? Before the war, the Taliban controlled Afghanistan. After the war, the Taliban control Afghanistan.

Eisegesis by Other US Presidents

President Bill Clinton on 26 October 1994 gave a speech at the peace agreement between the Kingdom of Jordan and Israel.  He misquoted Jesus when he stated:  "Blessed are the peacemakers - for they shall inherit the Earth." Jesus actually didn't say this. This is from the great Beatitudes, found in Matthew 5. What Jesus actually is recorded saying was:  "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God." (Matthew 5:9 NRSV). I don't know if Clinton did this intentionally or not, but the Christian view of being called a child of God is problematic for Muslims and Jews, who do not have a view of God being a parent.

President Abraham Lincoln once gave a speech before becoming president, when he was selected by the Republicans to become their nominee for Senator from Illinois. To stave off the possibility of people supporting Stephen Douglas, Lincoln famously quoted Jesus by saying:  "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Lincoln quoted Mark 3:24, but infamously this Scripture passage was dealing with religious leaders, accusing Jesus of performing miracles and casting out demons in the name of Beelzebub, a demon.

Where does that leave me politically?

Believe it or not, I didn't vote for Biden. That caused a lot of tension among my friends who are Democrats. I voted for Mark Charles, who best represented my own personal beliefs. I had several friends block me on social media because of that, which made me realize that extremism lies both among the political liberals, just as it does among the political conservatives. Room for differences does not exist and people tend to go to polar opposites.

I saw a meme, that adequately expresses my views of voting for Biden:

I am disappointed in the misuse of Scripture. I mourn that this war has been unnecessary. As Kohelet, the writer of Ecclesiastes, so eloquently states:  "But when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had worked so hard to achieve, I realized that it was pointless - a chasing after the wind. Nothing is to be gained under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 2:11 CEB). 

Is The Salvation Army homophobic?

It’s that time of year again. Decorations are out. In the town I currently live in, Branson, they skip over Thanksgiving and put up Christmas decorations on November 1. 

I am slowly starting to be able to celebrate Christmas with joy again.

When I was a Salvation Army officer, I dreaded this time of year. The emphasis was on making money and trying to raise enough money to be able to support ourselves for the next coming year. Any joy that I had was taken away by the need to make money. If we didn’t make enough money, our finances were micromanaged by our headquarters and we were restricted as to how to spend our funds.

Most people do not realize that The Salvation Army is actually a Christian denomination. Their theology is very similar to the Methodist Church. It would fall under the Wesleyan-Arminian (Holiness) tradition. They just use military jargon for all church descriptions. Officers are pastors. Soldiers are laity. A congregation is a corps, etc. They have one general and he or she is like the pope.

As a denomination in and of itself, I could never count on my parishioners’ donations to fund the services that we did. We were always a small congregation and we barely had enough money. There was no way I would even be able to make my wages.

Is The Salvation Army homophobic?

I am always invariably asked whether or not The Salvation Army is anti-LGBTQ.

The answer is a resounding YES.

“How could this be?” You might ask. The Salvation Army has put up numerous websites, trying to refute the evidence that they are anti-LGBTQ. Some of these are very, very effective. Others are less so. You see, The Salvation Army tries to place a distinction between their “practical” services and their “theological” services. In the end, their theology informs their acts of service. Unfortunately, that includes the belief that people involved in “homosexual” relationships are in fact sinning.

My own personal belief is that they are trying to straddle the fence. On one hand, The Salvation Army receives millions of dollars from various governmental services to provide all sorts of assistance to people. There is always the caveat that these funds must be used without discrimination.

At the same time, The Salvation Army‘s actual theological stance is a very conservative one. They believe that being gay in and of itself is not a sin, but acting out on homosexual tendencies is a sin. I am forced to laugh at this. What do they mean? Having sex? Looking at someone of the same gender as attractive? Having rainbows for decorations? As a person in the LGBTQ community, you would only be welcome to attend their services. You would not be allowed to become a member. They certainly would not officiate at any weddings. Any Salvation Army officer (pastor) who attends a gay wedding must do so out of uniform, or else they would be terminated.

The Salvation Army has removed all position statements about LGBT issues from all of their websites, but they still exist. They just refuse to publish them because they are so inflammatory. On the one hand, they want to be true to their policy of discrimination against the LGBT community. On the other hand, they do not wish to lose out on funding from the general public and from government sources.

Money

In the end, it’s all about money. This time of year especially is vital to The Salvation Army. When I was an officer, I was repeatedly informed that we normally receive half of our monetary donations during the holidays. 

I view it this way: if you are a member of the LGBTQ community, The Salvation Army is obligated to help you out, especially if they have government funds. However, their theology does not allow them to accept you or to support you. If you just take a cursory glance at the many social media sites, especially those on Facebook, you will notice that there are several groups set up by members of The Salvation Army in direct defiance of anything LGBTQ inclusive. They regularly publish conversion therapy websites and links to “ex-gay” ministries. Technically they are not officially affiliated with The Salvation Army, but they do represent the majority opinion.

I will grant that there are discussions right now in The Salvation Army regarding “conversion therapy” and inclusion. However, because The Salvation Army is a military hierarchy, with a top down structure, any theological change will need to be taken from the top. A grassroots movement has largely been ineffective. I even challenged those who should be allies in The Salvation Army to take a more vocal stand and risk their beliefs for censure and termination. That challenge was met with derision. It is too much for them to risk losing their spiritual home.

And I get that. I didn’t want to leave The Salvation Army. I was made unwelcome there. They were my spiritual foundation. I am who I am because of them. However, because I am a member of the LGBTQ community, I will never truly ever be welcome there again. It really is a type of spiritual abuse.

It goes the same way for The Salvation Army if they were to suddenly become accepting of the LGBTQ community. Many members would leave an already small denomination, leaving them with only social workers and pastors, ill-equipped to handle an already behemoth charity organization.

What would force The Salvation Army to change? In one word: money. If people stop donating to The Salvation Army and let it be known that it was because the Army is anti-LGBTQ, then maybe, just maybe, The Salvation Army will change their stance. It’s sad, but true. This year, especially because of the pandemic, The Salvation Army is already expecting a drop of about 50% in the United States for their donations. As the founder of The Salvation Army, William Booth, once said, "That and better will do."

Instead, donate your money to agencies that don’t discriminate. It would be one thing to stop donating to The Salvation Army. It would be better, though, if you used your funds to donate to causes that do not discriminate whatsoever. Even better, donate to organizations that actively strive to help the LGBTQ Community.

I used to love The Salvation Army. They showed me what it meant to care when no one else would care. They had no problem going to where the need was greatest. It was when they told me I was no longer welcome because of my orientation that I saw them for what they truly are:  hypocrites.

photo credit: SchuminWeb Salvation Army bell ringer via photopin (license)